Part 3: The Power of Abandonment
Managing Feelings
The first disappointing realization when becoming a Miller conscious survivor is that abandonment feelings don’t magically go away or lessen in intensity initially. Not without consistent, hard work. There is no silver bullet. But in a short period of time with a rough but effective set of tools, it’s possible to manage abandonment symptoms.
Tools to work on myself first
Emotional release sessions (structuralenergetictherapy.com or SET) involve breathing deeply and quickly when strong emotions surface. Try to experience them fully. Primal screaming in the car when driving alone is a great way to discharge stuff. If something gets lodged in the throat, cough it out immediately, don't swallow it back down.
Those who can do emotional release sessions in a private enough environment where someone won’t call the cops should feel free to scream, keep breathing, and follow their body - curl up, reach out like a baby, pound the couch/bed using hands and arms, and even feet to mimic running.
One effective technique from the SET instructors - get a punching bag and put it on the floor or anchor it well on a bench where it won't fall. Roll up a bunch of newspaper about 4 - 5" in diameter and wrap it completely in duct tape. Use that as a weapon to hit the punching bag. The sound and feel is enormously satisfying. This creates an environment for abuse victims to envision the punching bag being their abuser curled up helplessly in front of them, and they can beat them up and focus all of their rage on the bag. The rage will dissipate over time because they’ve connected to their subconscious and gotten their subconscious the revenge that it deserves. Ceilings should be high enough to avoid hitting the ceiling, light fixtures, or anything around you.
Sometimes the trauma that happens to us is too big, we can't erase it. Using the word “forgive” is powerful, but not in a way where we try to forgive an abuser because it's not true, and in addition now we feel guilt and shame for not being able to truly forgive. Instead, we can start by saying “I forgive myself for the anger or grief or fear that I feel about being abused”. This means we can begin to grieve, acknowledge these feelings as part of us, and understand that these feelings give us information to help move in a healthier direction. *
Background story: as a SET therapist doing a number of emotional release sessions with other therapists in classroom situations, I’m an energetic sensitive who has felt other peoples’ emotions rip through me. I once did something potentially dangerous and didn’t tell Frank. My phone was sitting in the car and when I returned, he had texted, asking me to text him back ASAP. He was feeling frantic and dizzy and hadn’t experienced a panic attack like that since his roommate had committed suicide in 1996.
So here is a tip. When cycling through a down spell after a breakup, it might be a fragment of suffering from abandonment syndrome which is coming up for acknowledgement, or it might be from the person you just broke up with, since both parties will likely suffer some fallout from a breakup. No matter what is happening when a feeling surfaces, this can make it easier to practice both self-compassion and compassion for others. For those of you Echoes out there who live for everyone else but have no self-compassion, how would your perspective change if you thought those feelings came from someone else?
Another background story: empathic energetic sensitivity can make being a therapeutic bodyworker challenging. I once placed my hands on a client and almost fell asleep. The SET instructors told me I’d encountered an “energy vampire”, and gave me this tip. Simply ask the universe to use me as a conduit between the person and the universe, so that whatever energy exchange needs to happen can occur through me (but not land and stay in me).
If I’m experiencing a challenging PTSD emotional hijacking, and the forgiveness tip isn’t completely working, I assume this energy could be coming from me or someone else and ask to be used as a conduit for the energy to return to where it needs to go. A heart-pounding experience can subside within one to two minutes tops, without suppressing anything.
Another tip: sit down with a blank sheet, set a timer for 45 minutes, and start spewing every ugly thing that comes to mind. Go as fast as you can. When the timer ends, set another timer for 15 minutes, and write about all of the things for which you are grateful. Why? You usually run out of bad things before you reach 45 minutes. But you usually don't run out of things you're grateful for in 15 minutes, and that leaves you somewhat dissatisfied that you didn't finish, but also gets your subconscious to realize there are many more things that you have that you are grateful for, than angry about.
Write on paper the things you are most angry / fearful / sad about, ball up the paper and throw it at a wall as hard as you can. When you're done, take the pile of balled up paper and burn it.
The Ishaya Ascension techniques are illuminating. This isn’t trying to clear your mind, which can lead to a fruitless cycle guilt for not being able to clear the mind. Nor is this chanting mantras in a foreign language. They are attitudes of praise and gratitude that foster a more positive frame of mind. The first level is mentioned here: https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthread.php?tid=1007
Tools to work with others
Look into Crucial Conversations. It shows how to establish parameters for how to conduct a crucial conversation in a way that is safe for all participants. When you have established mutual safety and respect, then dive into the content of the conversation.
Information we communicate goes into a growing pool of shared meaning, and that leads to successful dialog. The researchers quote: people who can make individually intelligent decisions can make collectively stupid decisions if they haven't put all of their information into the shared pool of meaning.
The conversation researchers learned that only a few things determined 95% of the time whether a couple would make it long term or not. Were they able to engage in tough conversations and stay focused, or did they shut down on each other? If they started to shut down, could they step outside of the content of the discussion to restore safety and respect, then return to the content of the conversation and continue? What isn’t communicated gets acted out. When one person shuts down, the other may try to throw a whole pile of scenarios into the pool of meaning hoping to find the ones that resonate with the person who shut down. That’s exhausting and fruitless.
Having said this, many men tend to shut down when a sensitive topic surfaces. In fight or flight mode, if their target is a woman they’d probably rather flee than start to abuse her. So for those women hurt because the person they care for shuts down, there are a lot of terrible stories we can tell ourselves - they’re being cagey, they’re treating us like children by not letting us in, or they’re sticking to their guns, stubbornly hoping the problem will go away (it won’t and it will likely precipitate an abandonment). When actually, one possibility is that the alternative could be far worse - physical abuse - and sadly, abuse is a reality for many women.
Relationships aren’t absolutes, they’re more like a constant dance through life. It’s about people learning what constitutes healthy boundaries for them, and learning to build healthy boundaries in their relationships. Quote from a friend: I can’t just be for me. And I can’t just be for others. The balance is somewhere in between, and only I know what is right for me at any particular moment.
In terms of gender differences in broad brush strokes, women tend to think more holistically and men tend to compartmentalize better than women. Each has their strengths and weaknesses, and both the advantages and challenges add up when they interact with one another, especially when it comes to relationships. There are equal but different parts of joy and misery in these strengths and weaknesses. Sorry to not address those of you who don’t feel constrained by gender norms. I can’t even begin to understand what your worlds must be like.
The Power of the Positive No is another powerful book. When we think we’re boxed into a sucker’s choice where we can say no, and disappoint people, or say yes, and disappoint ourselves, no one wins. The book advocates a mix of hard and soft - be soft on people, hard on principle.
Abandonment.net is a resource for finding local therapists and abandonment groups, or starting a group in your area.
* From a book by Phyllis Light called “Prince Charming Lives!”