Part 2: The Power of Abandonment

Abandonment / Commitment Issues

Abandonment and commitment issues have the same root cause: a fear of abandonment.

At the core of abandonment is being exposed to an emotionally distant environment, developing a void and wanting someone to fill that void forever. But forever leads to misery. One tip for rewiring that is to think of a "partner of the moment" (this includes marriage or being hooked on someone). It’s always conditional because situations can change; one person engages and grows and the other doesn't, dysfunctional patterns play out, a partner or spouse dies, etc. 

Those with commitment issues seem to want to fill that void forever as well, plus they are afraid of being hurt. The abandonment group is afraid too but when they get hooked, they may have inappropriate attachment syndrome and there's not much they can do unless the pain surpasses the addiction high. The first step to learning to establish healthy boundaries involves learning to walk away from an unhealthy situation when there is no hope of open communication.

There are multiple reasons why commitment issues happen depending on situation, intent, and subconscious.

a) People who don't get hooked often don't get a lot of practice dealing with it. If A gets hooked and latches onto B who has commitment issues, B may feel that A is trying to place their emotional well being into B’s hands, when it’s A’s responsibility. 

b) B realizes deep down that A is the partner of the moment, and if someone better comes along B would leave. 

c) A’s and B’s values are too different and it won't work out long term. 

d) B realizes he/she cares and is afraid of getting hurt. 

e) B was hurt badly and subconsciously craves revenge, finding satisfaction in getting A hooked and feeling A’s pain when B pulls away. 

f) We crave pursuing people or that initial chemistry. Initial chemistry transitions to a simmer and the nesting phase even in the best relationships. But if all you want are the thrills you'll forever be a serial abandoner. 

g) Those who are religious and emotionally distant may still expect their partner to be faithful, and in pulling away can make others think they no longer care about them or have moved on to some new thrill. This just about guarantees their partner will act out and cheat, giving the abandoner justification for saying they were abandoned. This may reinforce childhood patterns. 

h) Strong religious beliefs and fealty to an external God as opposed to communing with an all-inclusive universe can bring on guilt about having a pleasurable sex life and emotional intimacy.

Those with commitment issues where the core reasons are b) c) or f) can attempt to be honest, and possibly walk away. But if you look back and realize, no matter who you were attracted to, you felt intense attraction followed by pulling away, then this is likely a set of dysfunctional patterns, and per the Miller book, for conscious survivors there is an opportunity to use the roller coaster rides to fully learn about these patterns and deal with them. Because until we learn to deal with them these patterns will continue affecting future relationships. Either we will get hooked and those relationships will derail, or we will settle for less and eventually abandon the other person.

If these are deep seated patterns and not b) c) or f), you might not get it right the 10th or 20th time, but for those willing to communicate, learn, and stay compassionate, who find each time when they get up they are one step forward, there is hope. If we learn to treat these feelings as information, acknowledge and embrace them as part of ourselves, we can use that information to work towards rewiring the subconscious.

The subject of the next post will be techniques for how to deal with this.