Part 4: The Power of Abandonment

Relationships

With respect to abandonment / commitment issues and relationships, open and honest communication is key. If there is communication and a roller coaster ride because one person suffers from abandonment issues and the other has commitment issues, it might be possible to learn from those roller coaster rides and heal what comes up, if both parties are ready to view those feelings as information.

Two people with abandonment issues could end up in a long term relationship because they fill each others’ abandonment needs. The situation may change if they heal and one or both realize, had they been healthier, they wouldn’t have chosen each other.

For those who have commitment issues or have power in the relationship, there is the potential for abuse because the one who is hooked will want to keep the relationship going. It can become a contest to see how little a person in power can give / how much abuse a person in power can dish out before the person who is hooked finally walks away.

Becoming healthier allows people to recognize what is or isn’t good for them so they have the strength and can make a conscious choice to stay or walk away. Being healthy allows you to be fine whether you are alone or with someone. This is difficult for those with severe abandonment syndrome.

Conscious survivors with abandonment issues can begin to transmute those strong feelings into information that guides them. This is an opportunity to build emotional strength, so long as there is open communication.

Another powerful technique is to be able to put yourself into multiple viewpoints and hold conflicting information in your head, expanding your world to generate more encompassing and integrated solutions. I’ve been in opposite situations, being with one person who likes me more than I like him, and being with another whose emotional distance triggers abandonment issues. This has shown me both sides of the coin and made me aware of my role in all of this as well.

This allows us to both safeguard our wellbeing by establishing healthy boundaries, as well as be cognizant of how to respect others’ boundaries. While radical transparency can sometimes be painful, everyone is on the same page and can make conscious decisions as to how they’ll establish healthy boundaries for themselves. They can act in consequence to others’ behaviors.

Seeing multiple perspectives simultaneously means I see what I was doing wrong in one situation, and flip it in the other situation. For example, if I’m with someone who likes me more and I feel claustrophobic, it’s because I can sense his need and his wanting to put his emotional wellbeing in my hands. That informs me as to what I’m doing to someone who has commitment issues, who pulls away.

Another element: you may be with someone where you feel stuck, but if that person suddenly decides to live his/her own life, it’s possible to experience abandonment issues. And yet, when you revisit the situation and ask if you would want to stay with this person, still the answer is no. That is the dysfunctional abandonment pattern talking. In my case, unrelenting criticism as a child that turned into a pattern of “I am unlovable if I don’t achieve” not only influenced achievements, but also applied to relationships as well. I’m unlovable if I’m abandoned. I’m unlovable if I don’t: have sex with lots of people, find the perfect “one”, get married, etc. No one could possibly love me as I am so I’ll keep you at a distance.

Last but not least, while I personally have not had a partner who died suddenly in the middle of the night, here is a realization. Before I say this, I want to emphasize I don’t intend to make light of the pain that survivors feel; from what I’ve read, that pain is different and worse than the pain of a breakup, divorce, etc.

There are many ways to exit this mortal coil, many not pleasant. But if my last memory on this earth is snuggling up next to a loved one, I would feel like the luckiest person in the universe.