Part 8: The Power of Abandonment

NOSC and Abandonment Syndrome

So why the lengthy discussion about NOSC? Our family history and being assaulted by PTSD abandonment symptoms pretty much assured I would experience ego death without needing too great a shove. For those experiencing great distress - and there are many things we could be distressed about on a global scale - if you acknowledge it, you may find yourself pop into a NOSC.

I went through two ego death experiences because I was suppressing so much around relationships as well.

When I popped into a NOSC, then years later became a conscious survivor, I found the combination made consciously handling abandonment syndrome easier. It can feel brutal when suppressed emotions around abandonment surface, but if you can acknowledge them, you will no longer be controlled by them. Over time, those feelings will transform into information that lets you know, for example: no, this situation isn’t good for me. Then you can begin to address the situation using all of the information available.

Whether the relationship works out or not, there are lessons to learn. Rather than be ego-stubborn, hoping for specific outcomes, it helps to be secure and flexible. Secure based on principle, flexible to negotiation around how to adhere to those principles. Being tethered to the universe, I feel as if there’s a grand plan regardless of how I may feel about specific events and how they unfold. There have been times when I was hurt, confused, and frustrated, but then looked back sometimes years later to realize those experiences were necessary stepping stones to some greater endgame.

You can’t change or fix anyone. There is no better teacher than the universe, so I won’t interfere with someone’s journey. This also gives other people no recourse to blaming me, which they could justifiably do if something happens due to my interference. “Seek and you will find” is not just about actively searching for something. Having been a trainer and mentor, I’ve learned until someone asks, they’ve given no outward indication that they’re even ready to listen.

I do my best to maintain healthy boundaries and act in consequence to others’ behaviors. The best possible world doesn’t involve “world peace”. Rather, it has more to do with everyone being able to discern a clear, one to one correspondence between their choices and actions, and the resulting consequences.

Here are two stories at opposite extremes to illustrate this. When my mom and her younger sister were growing up, the family heaped a lot of praise on my mom - she was beautiful, intelligent, and could do no wrong no matter what she did. My aunt on the other hand, could do no right, no matter what she did.

My whole childhood, we were isolated from other people. To this day, my mom gets stressed out at the thought of having to host company, probably because of internal programming that says she can’t possibly live up to those expectations that she could do no wrong. When sis and I would visit, we could never pin down mom to sit down, relax, and talk. She would be in the kitchen constantly, telling everyone to sit down and take it easy while she fed us. We didn’t go there for her to feed us, we went there to spend time with her. But she keeps doing things for other people that they don’t necessarily want, because internally she tries to make up for getting what she thinks was undeserved as a child.

My aunt, on the other hand, lived down to the expectations placed on her, to a point where she exhibited effects of mild retardation. I think it’s important to be honest when raising children. If they do something that warrants correction, correct them and explain why they are being corrected. If they do something well, give them deserved praise. Based on personal experience, it’s difficult to find your way in the world if you’ve been taught that up is down, left is right, and forward is backward. That will all play out in adulthood and especially in relationships as well.

Since abandonment is primal and core, I feel 90 - 95% of the way there on my own in a few months, which isn’t bad going from constant PTSD to occasional twinges. Past test results indicated I was a severe introvert. Tests done as a conscious survivor indicate I’m balanced between introvert and extrovert.

Stealing Fire mentions therapists who got federal waivers to study microdosing substances like psilocybin and MDMA. This tends to break down established pathways in the brain, even disintegrate entire neural networks, allowing different parts of the brain to communicate directly with each other. This seems to effect long-term or even permanent relief from PTSD symptoms.

Those with abandonment syndrome have deep, core issues around relationships, being vulnerable, and feeling safe. I think a common internal pattern for those with abandonment syndrome is: I can find love, or I can be safe, but I can’t do both. From the Prince Charming Lives book, there are some helpful core affirmations:

• I now trust the changes that life brings.

• I am willing to easily get the lessons that all my relationships teach me.

“Getting The Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix is another good book. To summarize using my history as an example: my parents grew up in WWII and had no control over their lives, so they controlled every aspect of my childhood to try and give me what they didn't have. After leaving home, I turned into the control freak, unwilling to give up the freedom to do what I wanted. I didn't get along with other control freaks.

Then I met Frank, who is so easygoing I felt relief being with him; that aspect made me feel "whole" in terms of reclaiming something I didn't have growing up. But over time, that turns to poison because there are two sides to every coin. Suddenly, "easygoing" becomes "lazy", "messy", etc. and then the power struggle begins - why can't you clean up after yourself?

Why does this switch happen, leading to a power struggle? Because when we were children we had to survive by not being lazy and messy, and that superego kicks into gear. We have to work internally on ourselves to resolve those past hurts to become a healthier, integrated whole.

I learned each person needs their space where they can be themselves. We had two separate offices, and in Jersey City in a smaller space, I have my corner and he has his. He has his closet, I have mine. He has his bookcase, and I have mine. This keeps the peace.

This is the basic gist of Hendrix's work, and there are also themes from Alice Miller as well. I think this is the key to becoming healthy with a partner, and this addresses abandonment ("fusers" versus "isolators"). Fusers (those with abandonment syndrome and unhealthy attachment syndrome) come from emotionally isolated backgrounds, isolators (those with commitment issues) come from overbearing backgrounds. People raised in situations that are emotionally distant and overbearing will have double the challenges because what will surface in an “in-your-face” manner will be both fuser and isolator patterns.

Fusers and isolators tend to come together because there is a sense of familiarity in terms of similarity to caregivers, and they create a greater “whole" and also get into a power struggle. The key to resolving the power struggle is to understand the source of what is going on, and find out what the other needs and wants to feel loved (as opposed to doing for them what would make us feel loved because this is what leads to our disappointment that our loved one can't "fix" us). Then consistently, yet randomly and with no strings attached, gift what the other wants to heal the relationship at a subconscious level.

"5 love languages" identifies categories to make it easier for you and your partner to figure out what your respective primary love languages are in terms of priority: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.