Part 9: The Power of Abandonment

Gender Differences

I once had a two hour conversation with a young guy about theories over gender differences, and this is the gist.

Because men are generally larger and stronger than women, women are generally more aware of what is going on around them, tend to think more holistically, and are tuned more into emotions (their own and others).

Throughout most of humanity, men had to learn to court women and deal with rejection. Prior to modern medicine, a lot of women and children died in childbirth, and the gender in less supply is more in demand and gets to set the rules. That’s why it’s been Cinderella in the past, and ubiquitous porn today.

Years ago before I learned about the autoimmune / gluten connection, I was on bio identical hormone replacement therapy (HRT), taking progesterone and testosterone to balance things out. (Avoiding gluten, sugar, and nightshades quieted the autoimmune symptoms, rendering HRT unnecessary.)

At one point, there was a serious snafu. The compounding pharmacy had a new, more concentrated form of testosterone and could drastically reduce the amount. The doctor didn’t know this, and gave me the old dose with the new formula. It took two weeks to realize something was seriously wrong, as I’d become a bouncy, chirpy polecat who was horny all the time, and then my voice started to crack. That’s when I finally put two and two together.

I stopped the testosterone cold turkey, and three days later, got tested. The testosterone levels were well over 50% higher than they were supposed to be. I explained to the doctor what had happened with the dosage. He looked me in the eye, concerned, alarmed, and amused all at the same time, and asked: so, are you feeling jittery? Horny? Aggressive? He arched his eyebrow. Like a man?

Women often complain that men are dogs. What I learned after that experience, is what a miracle that men are even capable of acting like gentlemen, if that’s how they feel all the time.

There are various gender population imbalances all over the world. Because of China’s one child policy there were more boys than girls. You would think this is great for the girls but this has led to kidnappings of both boys by families wanting a son, and girls into forced marriages who are treated like servants. By 2021 China has reversed this policy as birth rates have fallen all over the world. Middle Eastern countries with their brutal treatment of women are also imbalanced with more men than women. Having more males than females leads to frustration and violence by males in society. Another theory: is the treatment of women correlated to how attractive males are? If the males are attractive, it’s in everyone’s benefit for women to be free. If not, society may skew more authoritarian and patriarchal.

With modern medicine, the tables have turned. There are still less girls than boys, but as they age, there end up being more women than men because women outlive men and modern medicine has cut down on women’s mortality rates. Women have had less time than men learning to navigate a world where they were in greater supply.

Hollywood is hard on women in terms of portraying impossible standards of youth and beauty as a Hollywood “norm”, and hard on men because they may grow up thinking the fantasy is the reality, until they have to live in the reality where many Americans are overweight or obese and the vast majority of autoimmune sufferers are women (obesity is really inflammation, and the autoimmune protocol - AIP - normalized my weight without dieting).

You couldn’t pay me any amount of money on this planet to trade my genetic makeup for anyone else’s. Being Asian born and raised in the US during the 60s and 70s, I never saw anyone who looked remotely like me on television, so it was always a fantasy. How difficult was it for whites to separate fantasy from reality? Has the mismatch between fantasy and reality contributed to the opioid crisis?

Culturally, Asians use rice as a staple, more than grains like wheat. Rice doesn’t have gluten so Asians who eat rice are less exposed to gluten issues, and we tend to age differently than our western counterparts. Asians are no different than similarly aged western counterparts, but we can look years and even decades younger. Recently maids I hired to clean our Tampa FL townhouse to sell told me my dad has the energy of a 3 year old (they were stunned to learn he’s 78, and 100 pounds).

Because women generally think more holistically and men are able to compartmentalize better, women can have an overwhelming amount of information. Because of the overwhelming amount of information, I don’t always get it right, and then it helps when men who compartmentalize better say something. Conversely, while compartmentalizing has benefits in terms of getting things done, people good at compartmentalizing also may not get it right, if they don’t have a complete pool of information.

Because of this combinatorial explosion in my head, I found Littlefinger’s comment in July 30, 2017’s episode of Game of Thrones to be resonant:

Don’t fight in the North or the South. Fight every battle everywhere, always in your mind. Everyone is your enemy, everyone is your friend. Every possible series of events is happening all at once. Live that way and nothing will surprise you. Everything that happens will be something that you’ve seen before.

Because women tend to think more holistically, it’s why when it comes to relationships we tend to have to click on a lot of levels before we want to get involved with someone - with respect to physical compatibility, intellect, capability for emotional intimacy, etc. We can’t separate all of that out the way men can. Many men, on the other hand, seem to have the ability to separate out physical from emotional intimacy.

In general I think this is why many women can’t engage in sex with no strings attached. Many women find sex to be empty without emotional intimacy. Conversely, men seem to connect with emotional intimacy through sex, so men generally don’t like friend zoning. I read an illuminating comment that women often rely on other women for emotional support, and friend zoning men yet treating them the same way as their women friends - engaging in emotional intimacy without sex - is hardest on men.

I think because women tend to think more holistically, generally this is why they are able to take better care of themselves than men, and I think this contributes to their longer life spans. What I experienced while having too much testosterone was also an eye-opener - that must burn a lot of men out sooner. The downside? Women are more forward thinking and see many more things, so we’re likely to think oh no, look at all these things we have to consider. I’m not capable of handling all of that. I think this is why there aren’t as many women who make it to the top level ranks, or run for public office, etc. (besides the fact that women may still take on a disproportionate amount of effort with respect to child-rearing.) Those who are there, however, likely do well because they’ve surmounted the additional obstacles of thinking holistically. This is also why men may not have much experience but people are likely to trust them and promote them, whereas a woman has to prove herself before she’s considered for promotion. Holistic thinkers have to work hard to prove that they can manage that huge influx of data with equanimity.

Because men compartmentalize better, my theory is it’s easy for them to think they can do something, and as they run into obstacles, they solve them one at a time within the confines of each particular compartment. They tend to accumulate more experiential data more quickly by operating this way, and they’re less likely to be overwhelmed. I think this is why men tend to have greater confidence and are inclined towards action more quickly than women. I also think because of their ability to compartmentalize better, men are at a disadvantage if they are not taught at an early age to think about the reasons behind why things happen. I think not being taught this early can negatively impact the quality of their entire life.

I don’t think of a God that is a he. If God is a One then it is androgynous. I suspect it’s easier for women to think more in terms of an all-inclusive universe, as holistic thinkers. I think the God as male comes from men since they compartmentalize better, and shut out what they don’t understand (often to their detriment). It would make sense to argue that if anything, God is a she since women are the ones who can give birth, but that is also an incomplete picture. In both cases, the incompleteness of the picture is the ego getting in the way of what is.

If we are able to understand and honor our differences, we can achieve our greatest strengths by working together. Women may be able to make more connections, creating a more complete pool of information. Men are better at taking that pool of information, identifying where things go wrong, and following up on execution. Working together makes problem solving and following through easier.